Here I am wasting time again, valuable weekend late night time. I can only write so many lists on what I should/could be doing but I ignore them. I feel safety in my lists. I realized the other day that I spend a lot of time thinking up ways to self improve myself. Right now I feel like I can’t focus, I can’t. I feel like I have adult ADD but I really thing that is a lame cop out for adults or at least in my case.
I need to learn how to meditate without falling asleep. I need to find that list of therapists the work “therapist” gave me. I need to do something. I am sure I could stand some medicating. Is there a personality pill?
[tangent….I just realized I don’t even know the url for this blog anymore, what is it? ;-)]
Anyway let me step off the deep stuff for a moment to fill you in on the 2 weeks of 2006.
After a cold snowy December, January has prematurly awaken spring fever in me. I don’t thing we have spent one day under freezing yet and one day last week was 57! I also spent the first two weeks of 2006 thinking I was dying (oh wait, about to get deep again).
All of December my fat self ate with reckless abandon all the holiday treats. Pretty much 10 lbs worth. I am now 20 lbs short of where I was before I lost 90 lbs a few years ago! Makes me sick. In December I got heartburn pretty regularily. I also began to notice that food seemed to get stuck in my esophogus. I wondered if only a month of acid reflex could damage my esophogus. You know what? I think I wrote about this already. Let me continue on where I left off.
Last Friday, seems things were worst so I called my doctor at lunch for an appointment. I was shocked that they could get me in with him on Monday. Usually to see him and not someone else in the office, you wait. Anyway I fretted all weekend that there was no way i can get out of this situation without getting “scoped”, an upper GI. The whole idea freaked me out totally. I needed to rule out cancer like killed uncle Dale. I started to recall shortly after his death, mom getting panic attacks and dad saying that she was all freaking about cause she thought she had a lump in her throat. I think now that I am experiencing exactly what was going on with her.
On Monday I went to Dr. Clark and said my esophugus is irratated and spasming. Actually that day I seemed to swallow just fine. He gave me a prescription for acid reflux blockers and said I could call this gastro guy and consult with him. Then he said I should probably do that regardless in which I assume was to take responsibily off of him in case it is serious.
I haven’t had the problem since I seen the doctor and I now chalk it up to spasms from December’s irritation as oppose to cancer. Since I don’t have heartburn anymore, no more irritation, no more spasms. All is well again.
Tonight Hollace had a birthday party to go to at the mall. She said she had a great time but the boy’s mother was worried that she didn’t. I felt like Hollace was a burden at this party and actually cried when things didn’t go her way. How I wish she wasn’t a carbon copy of me. I have been wanting to fix me so bad to avoid her copying me but it is too late. So while I am trying to still fix me, I need to fix her too. Shit, where is that therapist list? I so wish I had social skills so I can teach Hollace social skills. I am so afraid she is starting to alienate kids her age. She said she hasn’t played with anyone at recess lately because all they do is run around like “chickens with their heads off”.
Hmmm, I just thoght of something. Carroll had Shannon in some kind of therapy playgroup to help her after her parent’s nightmare divorce. That might be something to look in for Hollace. I think that and maybe a day or two in the after school program at school which is for parents who can’t get to school in time to pick up their kids are in order. Hollace loves it when we have her there the two times we have.
RAW started a part time job this week. He is working at a car wash. Not big money to say the least but some spending cash. It is primarily a weekend job but that won’t last long as he is going to need to get to Indiana and it will squash our summer camping thing.
I think I will close for now and email Carroll about the playgroup thing