chatter

I signed Hollace up for summer activities at the park district. I probably got carried away because when all is said and done, she has only 2 free weeks left! Beside the 2 week all day day camp, the other activities are only a few hours and maybe M-W-F. Actually I have a conflict. The second round of swimming lessons clashes with Nature Camp. You know nothng can class with Nature Camp.

Hollace lately has become obsessed with saving endangered animals. She made a shrine in her room of a bunch of them. She told me she doesn’t like art anymore, only endangered animals.

Today her teacher told RAW that Hollace really wants to go into saving endangered animals but first she has to learn to read better. The kid don’t care, she is very one track minded.

The living room is still in disarray. Tomorrow I finish painting and RAW hopefully finish the floor. In the meantime our bathroom faucet broke. I stepped in a puddle the other morning. I was afraid it was cat pee but it wasn’t. On Sunday we are suppose to go to a water park with the Brownies. Dad wanted RAW to come down there to help him chop up a tree. He tried doing it on the way back from Ft Wayne last weekend but dad said it was too wet. Now he expects him to make the 100 mile one way trip with gas around $3 a gallon to go down there

I had a challenging week this week. I had two jobs that were keeping me guessing. I think both will work out ok but it has left me drained. That and the fact today was Corey’s last day kind of have me in a funk tonight. We all went out to lunch for Corey. While I knew everyone and talked to everyone, I still felt disconnected and blocked and really had nothing to say. Then later that day I had a meeting with the AS picnic group where we sat around and cut out daisys (we have a groovy theme). I didn’t know any of them and still feel disconnected.

As soon as I finish this entry, I will put the computer to sleep and mediate or something. I feel like I need to defrag my brain

Finally after living in this shoebox for 10 years, we are ready to get rid of the nasty pink living room carpet. Why this hasn’t happened earlier is because carpet shopping is overwhelming to me.

RAW has been ripping up the old stuff exposing the nasty floor underneath. Looking at it I can’t imagine how anyone would ever have that in a living room. It is like old school room tile. He started laying out new flooring to go over the tile and to kind of level things up a bit.

Anyway, today me and Hollace painted the living room and it is now time to pick carpet. I don’t know where to start. I want to try Empire Today and have them come over and show me samples, but what texture, what color? Also I am afraid they will pressure me into something or it is going to cost more than it should. I have no idea how much something like should cost.

I guess I will have RAW measure the room and get estimates from carpet stores, then call Empire to see what they offer. They say the give free no obligation estimates but we will see.

I like their one year, no interest or payment thing because it time to pony up a few grand to fix the darn transmission.

Printing return address labels are the bane to my existance. I could never get it right so I just found a template to use in Illustrator. Normally all the templates are for Word. My gripe is that I will print on a plain piece of paper and it appears to line up perfectly then I put in the sticker page and all of a sudden it spread where the rows on the edge are falling off. I just don’t get it. Why does it print on the plain paper but not on the stickers? Ug

This weekend RAW went to Ft Wayne. I am kind of bugged by this because this week he decided it was time to do the living room floor by pulling up the carpeting and putting a layer of floor down. He put a few sheets down then he left. The living room is unlivable.

Today I finally got around to painting the ceiling. Now I see why to buy the “goes on purple but dries white” ceiling paint. I can’t see what I am missing. Tomorrow we (me and the kid) paint the living room

Today we hauled out three large garbage bags of stuff from Hollace’s room. That was productive.

Right now I am procrasting working on something in 3D. We are so slow at work still and everyoone is busy doing exercises to learn new skills. I did some trainer soft demo. Everyone else is doing 3D and getting awws and ooohs. I love 3D and have been trying to get going with this. This competition is lighting my fire but not enough to get me off this blog entry and onto it.

RAW’s 50th birthday was yesterday. Normally he likes to go off and be by himself on his b’day and ponder life. My plan was to paint the living room…finally.

He decided not to go and I decided not to paint yet.

I went over board in the shopping for both his birthday and in general. I got him a digital camera. I think I was using his birthday to get a point and shoot camera for the family. On Sunday I went out to get him a nice cooler so I could put all of his gifts.

I made a pound cake and cut up some fresh strawberries. For dinner I took him out to a Japanese steakhouse. We fed Hollace first and brought her to the restraurant for entertainment. I think she was overwhelmed with the crazy chef and the big flames. He tried but Hollace just sat close to me and kept mum, even when he asked her questions.

I don’t feel like writing much more. My fingernails are apparently too long.

Today it occured to me that if I just wrote in a journal I would be more proactive on whatever whoas me. Aww shit, that above sentence made no sense but I am keeping it anyway.

I can’t believe how fat I have become again. I am totally disgusted. I don’t know what it will take to get it through my thick skull that I can’t do this to myself, the sabatoge eating.

In Fort Wayne right now

All the words are hiding in my brain right now. I could of swore they wanted to come out and play which is why I started this entry. I guess they are shy.

I am trying to fix too many things with me lately at the same time. They are all top priority. I got to lose 100 lbs, I got to get self confidence, I got to let everyone at work know what I am doing and that I am as capable as my co-worker, I got to get out there and take chances and quit showing Hollace a bad example of how to deal with people.

Probably working on all of these at the same time isn’t a good thing but I can’t pick which to concentrate on first.

Blah

Last night I had a dream I was stuck in Chicago trying to figure out when the last train leaves. They apparently redesigned the time table unto a convuluted brochure where I couldn’t find the info I needed. Even after I asked the train station people where the info was, it was still hard to read.

After visiting the aunties in Indiana last week, I was on a quest for expensive toys for the cat. Well it is her first year anniversary living with us. Aunt Jean had a cute remote controlled mouse and Bobbie had a nice laser pointer.

After we got home, I found the mouse at the pet store so I bought it. Hollace had more fun with it than Cloudy did. The darn this however would only go in circles so I took it back. I then went to Office Max for a laser pointer. I had to go two different stores to get the one that took AAA batteries (instead of those harder to find button ones).

I get the thing home and try to put the batteries in and pulled off the wrong side and sheered the button off. I think about taking it back. I then try to glue it back on but I drop the little button and can’t find it. Then the glue bottle was dried up, then I had to pee badly. I was begining to think maybe I should keep this laser pointer. Hollace didn’t want me to get it because she was afraid we were going to blind Cloudy with it.

The next day the button falls off again so it is time to super glue it. No super glue to be found. Today I got some. I make a mess trying to glue it back on and now the button is hard to press. Ug. I guess I will get another expensive toy as Cloudy is very crazy about chasing that red dot around.

I was driving home on Wednesday after dad

so this will be a short entry.

Last night I went off to Crown Point so I could be there for dad’s open heart surgery today.

Against my better judgement I put on Wedding Crashers because mom wanted to watch it. Got to bed at midnight only to wake up at 4:30 this morning. We got to the hospital at 5am for a visit to dad before they wheeled him off to prep at 6am. The surgery started at 7:40. It took 4 hours. Jean, Bobbie, Deloros and Jim all came by to hang with us in the waiting room. At 12:15 they were ready to wheel dad to ICU. They said it will be 30 minutes before we could see him and that he would be awake later. We went to lunch then came back an hour later. Dad was awake but still had his breathing tube. We waited longer. Once he got the tube out he could talk. He seemed pretty good regardless to what he went through. He talked and seemed to be clear thinking. On a scale of 1-10, he rated his pain at 00. I guess the drugs were working there. He said he didn’t feel too bad. He said he was glad I was there.

I left Crown Point at 6pm. I got home at 8. Time for bed

Yesterday I called him. I really don’t have much of a relationship with Dad and when I got him on the phone I couldn’t think of anything to say. He joked that he almost made it to 70 and called himself a condemned man.

Last night I went to bed and realized that my social anxiety issues come from him and not so much from mom. Sure I am just like her in that regard and I am sure there is a lot of monkey see monkey do but I think the key is dad. Dad is fairly typical husband from that era, he made mom feel stupid. I guess I can’t speculate on whether or not mom felt stupid or not but he did demean her and call her dummy. I now believe this why I have this fear that someone will find me stupid and why I can’t think of anything to say to him. I don’t want him to think I am stupid. Whoa. Too bad I didn’t have my therapy session today, I could of used it with this relavation

Last night Paula called. She was mad because mom hadn’t gotten around to her yet to tell her about dad. She says mom is in denial and I suppose I am too (didn’t I tell you I am just like her). I called dad tonight and he told me that they will do surgery next week. He has a hole or a weak spot on his heart that was caused by a case of rhematic fever he had when he was in high school. Back then they didn’t know how to fix it. They are going to fix it now. His doctor said he has a 90% chance of survival. He is bummed he is going to miss the begining of camping season. He was still waiting for mom to call to tell her about the surgery.

I am thinking that I should probably go down there this weekend. Paula guilted me into getting this last chance to see him. RAW fixed my brakes this week but I heard a sound from them today and he is in Fort Wayne with his mom this weekend. I don’t think I should trust the car for the long road trip. I will take off from work next week to go down there for his surgery. Then the last week of March I planned to spend Spring Break down there. We will see what happens.

Also yesterday I called grama to tell her about the plans I was making to take her down to my cousins house. She has been wanting to go but when I told her we would stay the night she freaked. She is suffering insomnia with her depression and said maybe she won’t go. I told her she is going and I will bring a sledge hammer to knock her out. She told me to knock her out good then so she doesn’t ever wake up.

I guess his heart was racing and they want him there for 3-4 days to adjust his meds. I have never known my parents ever to be in the hospital so this is an odd concept for me. I guess he has been on heart meds as well as meds for boarderline diabetes for 2 years now. I wasn’t aware of this. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised since he is an obese 69 year old man.

Last weekend we went to Fort Wayne to visit Dorothy in the nursing home. I have never been in a nursing home before but it is was as I expected with old folks in wheel chairs everywhere. Dorothy still tires out too easy but is generally on the road to recovery. She said to me, “I guess you never would of thought I would end up here.” I told her she isn’t ending up here, she will be able to go back home in a few weeks. She wants to move into senior housing which is totally understandable. It should be interesting to see what we end up doing with the house. Oh let the fun begin!