chatter

Just got the tax returns done. They were almost done I just needed to wrap it up and hit submit. You would think I would do it sooner if we got money back as we usually do. With the state return, because Hollace is in private school we get an education credit which is good for about $350 extra. Cool.

Today Hollace had a birthday party to go to. I dropped her off and then took off on a photo excursion. I have been uninspired lately, typical winter blahs, when it came to photography. Today I forced myself out to shoot something. In two hours I think I got a lot of new material to feed my photoblog and Flickr stream. I started out frustrated that everything I wanted to photograph was while driving down the road. It is never easy to just pull over and shoot it. Today I stopped anyway.

I decided to go into Libertyville and walk the quaint small town street. First though I had to try and find a barn I always see while driving the tollway. It had a nice message on it and interesting colors. I did manage to find it. I think now looking at it, it is a barn for the Girl Scouts or something. It is their colors and I swear that is their logo on the barn and the sentiment sounds all Girl Scoutie. It said, “Help other people at all times”. Anyway, I got my shot and then some.

Yesterday I had my first appointment with Dr. Penny. At first I was worried because they seemed to forget my appointment. I guess if they would of remembered it they would of canceled it. It was Penny’s first day in the office after being sick and was only working every other hour or something.

My first impression of Penny was not good but it turned out that she wasn’t too bad. Better than the work therapist I tried the last time. She did get a little holy roller on me and apologized if it gets too much for me and to tell her to back off. She shys away from meds (which I do also) and she told me she is a short term therapist and 6 sessions (what EAP from work will cover in whole) should do it for me. Whatever, I just hope it works.

After work or rather after I picked up Hollace for after school care, we headed out to Salutos to celebrate a guy at work’s new job out of CN. It was a little awkward but not too bad.

Today Dorothy got released from the hospital and is now in the nursing home. RAW comes home tomorrow after 10 days. Hollace while missed him isn’t too thrilled because that means she has to go back to her own bed.

Speaking of which, I think I will join her now and go to sleep. We are going to try to go to the Lutheran church tomorrow. Hollace needs to deliver a thank you card to a girl there that wanted to buy someone something so she bought Hollace a rubber stamp book since it was just her birthday. They left it on our door last week. Also to avoid the Girl Scout leader wondering why we didn’t make it to the front of the grocery store to sell cookies during tradional church time. I guess those Catholics just assume you will go to Saturday evening mass instead.

She had a triple bypass on Friday morning. She is doing fine. I always have heard that after one of those you get really cranky and Dorothy was no exception. The nurses were surprised how fiesty she was LOL. She kept pulling at her tubes and such and wanted her shoes so she could leave. She was out of it for a few days. At one point she mentioned a grandson in Louisiana. Huh? Either RAW has a son he doesn’t know about or a sibling!

I guess today she was worlds better and tried walking. RAW is still down there and will be for the rest of the week. On Friday, Hollace didn’t have school so I had to drag her to work. Since I was off sick on Thursday I really needed to get in the office to finish a job I could only do there. I worked the afternoon at home.

On Monday, Presidents Day, I already scheduled it off and of course Hollace had it off. We went shopping to Ikea to shop for her room. Today however reality. I guess until RAW gets home I will work 8:15 – 5 so I can get Hollace off to school. She will have to hang out in after school care until I can get her.

Because she was off sick on Thursday and had Friday and Monday off, she was buried in homework. It felt like she spent the whole night on it.

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Last night Tim called to tell me that 2.5 year old Mac is in the hospital after falling from a kitchen chair at breakfast and breaking his femur. My poor little dancing guy has to be in a body cast for 2 months now.

Grrrr, pay no mind to me, I just need to vent.

I got a Tivo box through DirecTv back in October where with the $100 rebate, the box is free. I filled out the rebate promptly like I usually do.

Never got the $100. They emailed me another rebate form to try again. I mailed that one out in December.

It should of came by now so I just called them again and they have no sign of that rebate form either.

WTF?

Everyone else I know who went in for this deal got their rebate quickly with no problem. I only mail things out in secure post office boxes and know how to address an envelope so I don’t know what the deal is.

They did fix it for me when I just called though. They credited my account $100 so I guess I don’t have to pay my bill for the next 2 months but I wanted the lump $100 to put on the credit card even though I long paid that bill back in October.

Today I called in sick. Was prepared for a work at home day due to weather. The forcast was for icy mix. We got a layer of slush but it was more a rain event. I probably would of went into work had I not called in sick.

We all have a bit of something but more than anything I needed a mental health day. Then while Hollace was getting ready for school, she coughed too hard and threw up. That meant she was taking a sick day too. RAW had to go to Artworks to help them out so I ended up with Hollace. That said, I think I am mentally recharged. I needed a boost in creativity and by the end of the day I felt the juices flowing. I also was able to get a call in to the employee assistance program to help me find a therapist. I got an appointment next Friday.

Right before RAW came home from Artworks, RAW’s aunt Geri called to tell us that his mom was being admitted to the hospital for heart bypass surgery. So now he is on his way over there (5 hour drive). Hollace doesn’t have school tomorrow and I have a deadline tomorrow morning that I have to be in there for so she will be coming to work with me.

I sure hope Dorothy pulls through surgery tomorrow. I have no doubt, she is a strong 82 year old.

On Monday Hollace turns 7. Where does the time go? Since that is Monday (a gym day, oh the horrors) we celebrated this weekend.

On Saturday me and Hollace headed out to Build a Bear for our annual trek to get an over priced stuffed animal. As per usual, she got a horse, not a bear, then to play in the castle in the mall. We then drove to the other mall for our lunch at Rain Forrest Cafe.

Today was the big party. I had 20 girls invited. Because it was Super Bowl Sunday, only 14 could come. Two of them had to leave an hour early for a Super Bowl Party. As usual, the party was at Art Works. All the girls had a good time as far as I could tell. Hollace raked in the loot including a Hello Kitty toaster! One of the little girl’s mom had asked on our answering machine when RSVPing, what Hollace would like. I didn’t call her back feeling kind of weird returning a phone call telling them what to buy my daughter. That mom who was black stayed at the party with an older eastern European woman who also acted like the mom. I couldn’t figure them out. And guess what she finally decided on getting Hollace for a gift since I didn’t call back with suggestions…$20. I guess she really needed the suggestion LOL

The only other adults that hung around the party besides RAW was Deb, Hollace’s godmother who as usual took notes on gifts for us. And Sharon and Barb and her husband who I think is forced to attend these things against his will.

I know this is Art Works and Barb and Sharon’s kids are Art works but I was hoping their older kids wouldn’t come. Barb’s poor husband could of stayed home with the over bearing Marcus. And Gabby who also is overbearing was ok. They did however sit in the middle of the table taking up spots for the real guest eating all the food and Marcus was driving me nuts begging me for a goodie bag before I knew if I had enough.

We came home and I went at it making cupcakes for Hollace’s class tomorrow. I am beat, it is time to go to bed and recooperate on Monday.

On Monday, Hollace’s actual birthday I will finally try and get to a Weight Watchers meeting. I tried last week but I couldn’t get the times straight. The Monday meeting is 6pm and 7:30. Somehow I turned into either a 6:30 or 7pm meeting. I drove out there early for the 7pm meeting then realized it was 7:30 and newbies spend an additional 30 minutes which would of put me back home after Hollace went to bed and that was the night she lost her first tooth. I didn’t want to miss that.

On Friday I went to my annual Gyn checkup. I guess I gained 30 lbs in the last year. She is testing my thyroid but I know it is all me and my crappy eating thing that is too blame.

Exactly a week before she turns 7, Miss Hollace lost her first tooth. I tried to prepare her that she might see blood but don’t fret.

It happened at school. She knocked it out with her tongue onto her desk. There was some blood and she did cry but she said that was because it hurt just a little.

It is now sitting under her pillow waiting for the tooth fairy.

Tonight I was trying to make it to my first Weight Watcher’s meeting. I thought they had a meeting at 7pm but it was really 7:30 so I went home. I would of got home after Hollace went to bed and since she lost her tooth it was special.

Now I got to remember to be the tooth fairy before I go to bed tonight. Oh and I will try again with the WW next Monday even thought it is Hollace birthday

Never underestimate the powered of a little exercise for your state of mind. I have been walking on my new treadmill for several weeks. I try to walk every day. Yesterday I was feeling a little overwhelmed with all that I needed to do (had to create, print, trim, address and mail Hollace’s birthday invites) I skipped my 30 minute walk.

Last week was that time of month and I was surprised that I didn’t get moody or paranoid like I have been lately. I credit the exercise. Today however I am in a funk and I blame that on the lack of exercise.

Seriously though I have been in a low level funk for awhile. I have been feeling overwhelmed with nonsense. I have a to do list a mile long. Most of it is projects I put upon myself, not something I have to do. I really need a redesign of my website and the Artworks one. Hmmm, I can’t remember any other things on that list right now (I am at work, not home).

I desparately want to hook up with a therapist to help with coping stuff and for social anxiety and to help Hollace follow my lead. I can’t find the list that the work therapist gave me so I guess I have to go throught that process again which I shouldn’t complain, it is 6 free therapy sessions. Maybe anti depresants are the answer. I so really don’t want to go there but I have a feeling it could be the answer to everything.

I think we all at home are in a rut. I need to light a fire under RAW to get some of these house projects done. He is wasting valuable time while Hollace is at school to do something. I am starting to feel resentful so i better open the lines of communication now.

Here I am wasting time again, valuable weekend late night time. I can only write so many lists on what I should/could be doing but I ignore them. I feel safety in my lists. I realized the other day that I spend a lot of time thinking up ways to self improve myself. Right now I feel like I can’t focus, I can’t. I feel like I have adult ADD but I really thing that is a lame cop out for adults or at least in my case.

I need to learn how to meditate without falling asleep. I need to find that list of therapists the work “therapist” gave me. I need to do something. I am sure I could stand some medicating. Is there a personality pill?

[tangent….I just realized I don’t even know the url for this blog anymore, what is it? ;-)]

Anyway let me step off the deep stuff for a moment to fill you in on the 2 weeks of 2006.

After a cold snowy December, January has prematurly awaken spring fever in me. I don’t thing we have spent one day under freezing yet and one day last week was 57! I also spent the first two weeks of 2006 thinking I was dying (oh wait, about to get deep again).

All of December my fat self ate with reckless abandon all the holiday treats. Pretty much 10 lbs worth. I am now 20 lbs short of where I was before I lost 90 lbs a few years ago! Makes me sick. In December I got heartburn pretty regularily. I also began to notice that food seemed to get stuck in my esophogus. I wondered if only a month of acid reflex could damage my esophogus. You know what? I think I wrote about this already. Let me continue on where I left off.

Last Friday, seems things were worst so I called my doctor at lunch for an appointment. I was shocked that they could get me in with him on Monday. Usually to see him and not someone else in the office, you wait. Anyway I fretted all weekend that there was no way i can get out of this situation without getting “scoped”, an upper GI. The whole idea freaked me out totally. I needed to rule out cancer like killed uncle Dale. I started to recall shortly after his death, mom getting panic attacks and dad saying that she was all freaking about cause she thought she had a lump in her throat. I think now that I am experiencing exactly what was going on with her.

On Monday I went to Dr. Clark and said my esophugus is irratated and spasming. Actually that day I seemed to swallow just fine. He gave me a prescription for acid reflux blockers and said I could call this gastro guy and consult with him. Then he said I should probably do that regardless in which I assume was to take responsibily off of him in case it is serious.

I haven’t had the problem since I seen the doctor and I now chalk it up to spasms from December’s irritation as oppose to cancer. Since I don’t have heartburn anymore, no more irritation, no more spasms. All is well again.

Tonight Hollace had a birthday party to go to at the mall. She said she had a great time but the boy’s mother was worried that she didn’t. I felt like Hollace was a burden at this party and actually cried when things didn’t go her way. How I wish she wasn’t a carbon copy of me. I have been wanting to fix me so bad to avoid her copying me but it is too late. So while I am trying to still fix me, I need to fix her too. Shit, where is that therapist list? I so wish I had social skills so I can teach Hollace social skills. I am so afraid she is starting to alienate kids her age. She said she hasn’t played with anyone at recess lately because all they do is run around like “chickens with their heads off”.

Hmmm, I just thoght of something. Carroll had Shannon in some kind of therapy playgroup to help her after her parent’s nightmare divorce. That might be something to look in for Hollace. I think that and maybe a day or two in the after school program at school which is for parents who can’t get to school in time to pick up their kids are in order. Hollace loves it when we have her there the two times we have.

RAW started a part time job this week. He is working at a car wash. Not big money to say the least but some spending cash. It is primarily a weekend job but that won’t last long as he is going to need to get to Indiana and it will squash our summer camping thing.

I think I will close for now and email Carroll about the playgroup thing

I suppose I should put a little down on Christmas this year (if you read the last post, you can see I just found another thing to procrastinate)

The weekend before Xmas, we went to Fort Wayne with a car sick Cloudy. Went to RAW’s 2nd cousin’s house for a family get together.

For the actual day of Xmas, we stayed home as usual. We went to St Bedes for Xmas eve service. We sat in the balcony whicch would of been nice if it wasn’t for the 2 year old up there who if wasn’t whining, was trying to jump from the edge. Oh that kid made me nervous, more nervous apparently than her mother.

Some of what Hollace got this year was an Easy Bake Over, her Pet Shop Playground (what she has been asking for for months), a Hot Wheels pirate track, a monkey baby puppet (she now knows that Santa shops at Rain Forrest Cafe) and Madagascar, the movie. I got RAW a lantern that he really likes. He got me a Russian, German, Polish cook book. Huh? I hate Russian, German and Polish food. Really the Kitchen Aid mixer was his gift to me and the surround stereo for the TV was my gift to him.

On Tuesday we headed out to Crown Point to see my side of the family. As usual, I didnt coordinate with my sisters. I had to go back to work on Thursday so Wednesday was the only day I got to hang with them.

Now that I am old, I stress out over comfortable sleeping arrangements. The last few times we went to my folks, we got a hotel (oh how grown up). This time we didn’t. I brought the air mattress and bed and a down comforter and our own pillows and made the best of it. It wasn’t too bad.

We left Hollace in Crown Point to hang with her cousins until they left on Saturday (yesterday). We picked her up when they passed throught town to go back to Wisconsin.

When we got home, we found that Cloudy knocked down the Xmas tree and broke a red bulb which I quickly swooped down on and photographed.

On Friday night me and RAW tried to take advantage of our childnessless and went to Red Lobster (mom gave us a gift certificate) then to Target to spend a GC I had from my birthday, then to Menards for a closet door for the computer room, the to Border for a GC that RAW had. Then finally to the video rental place. We rented Mr. and Mrs. Smith (Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie) Cute movie.

Last night was New Years Eve. I made the yearly cheese ball and cheese dip and grabbed our confetti sticks and rang in the new year fairily typical.

I am procrastinating writing my personal goals for 2006. All day I had that in mind. It is now after midnight and I am getting closer to writing it down. So close that I realized I haven’t written in my blog for awhile. So here I am. As soon as I finish this I will write my goals.

I guess I can outline what I will write out here. First and foremost is to cut my nails! It sure is a bitch trying to type this entry out right now.

I bought a three subject notebook so I will section out my goals as this

Creative/Artistic

Family/Misc

For the creative/artistic one I really need to think about what I am doing with my photography and why. I am still addicted to Flickr but something is changing for me there. I signed up with nearly 200 groups there and just went through culling it down to about 20 groups. The Utata group is really the only group that fits me nice. They are the cool artsy crowd and I want to be associated with them. I really got to get with the quality over the quantity.

This year I really like to, need to, redesign Swardraws.com. I never update the site with anything except my Christmas cards once a year and my daily photoblog. For Hollace’s page I need just link it to a Flickr set since that is the only place I update photos of her. For gossip page, I need to set up a blog that my family can log onto to post family news. My photoblog needs work. I still haven’t dealt with the archive pages and I really need to. I am just not sure how much time I want to invest in it. I don’t think anyone would notice.

With some Christmas money RAW’s mom gave me, I found a nice kaleidoscope kit which as awaken the kaleidoscope bug in me. Could this be the year I get into it? At the very least I should do at least one more digital scope so I can have six in the series. With the rest of the money Dorothy gave me, I got a 7″ DVD player. I will keep a copy of my kaleidoscope DVD in the bag to show. Speaking of which, I should check it out there to see how well you can see it. (second thing on the list after cutting the nails to procrastinate my list after this entry)

The biggest, most important category is personal/health. I am {} this close to regaining all the weight I lost a few years back. It makes me sick. I got a nice new treadmill a couple weeks ago that I still haven’t touched. Now the holidays are over I will get on the thing and sweat, starting tomorrow, I promise. Also an eating plan is necessary.

For the first time ever, I am worried about my health and this extra weight. I have a bit of heart burn, not much or often but I suspect I have already caused esophogus (never tried to spell that word before) damage. I was kind of freaking out a couple weeks ago cause this was the downfall of my uncle Dale. He got cancer of the esophogus that spread to his liver before he knew anything was wrong. Acid reflux damage can cause cancer of the esophogus. RAW gets an upper GI every other year himself to keep an eye on his esophogus damage.

The other big part of the personal/health category is state of mind. I need to start meditating or something to help focus (I am hoping the treadmill will help here too). Work has been torture lately trying to focus and keep on task. Also I really need to crack down on the social anxiety thing. This year I hope to find a therapist to start seeing.

As for family/misc, there are a few resolution/goals for Hollace I need to help her work on. Eating is the biggest thing. We let her get away with poor eating habits and that is being irresponsible parents. I got to figure out how to make this as painless as possible. Another Hollace thing is a result of being an only. Socialization. That compounded with my social anxiety isn’t a good combination. I need to get her out and experiencing new things and in playgroups or something. She is a chip off the old block, she is a clone and that scares me.

On Friday’s, it will be family game night. I hate games and so does Hollace which makes us party poopers at parties. We will get over it.

The house. Are we going to sell this shack and move into something bigger. The thought of process to do that scares the hell out of me. Something else to get over in 2006

This the main jist of my list. There are lot of little things I need to get down. As soon as I quit this entry, trim my nails and check on that DVD, I willl work it all out on paper, I promise!